Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Battle Fatigue

I'm not sure how many people have seen it, but there's a clip circulating right now of former Saturday Night Live performer Victoria Jackson's incredibly virulent tirade against the m/m kiss on Glee and her weak attempts to explain anything she believes about Christianity.

I've been having a very, very deep reaction to it. Many people have dismissed it as the rantings of a whack-job or an Andy Kaufman-esque performance piece, but I've been taking it at face value.

And I'm very fucking angry.

And I'm very fucking hurt.

And I'm just very, very fucking tired.

It stung me down to my very core to hear somebody say those things just one more time. I've heard it hundreds of times over the years, but to hear it again was just too much for me tonight. I don't know her personally (I mostly remember her as "...and Victoria B. Jackson as Alice" in the SNL parody "The Robert Palmer Bunch", a mash-up of The Brady Bunch and Robert Palmer's music videos featuring the dancing models) but I've been crying off and on for the last hour or so because I feel like we're in "two steps back" mode right now and I don't feel like I can carry on for much longer. I'm just feeling browbeaten and really don't see any point in continuing to stand up for myself and fight for my rights.

I realize I'm under a huge amount of stress right now. I'm trying to finish an early draft of my gay coming of age romance set in the mid 80's before I go to Los Angeles in a couple weeks for the RT Booklovers Convention, which I'll be attending with my first book credit under my belt and promoting the hell out of it, but hearing part of that conversation just really hit me between the eyes tonight. I just felt like throwing my hands up in the air and saying, "Fine. I'll just isolate myself even further from the world and not care again. Ever. About anything."

I know it'll pass, though. These things do. Once in a while, I'll get a hair up my ass and I'll be the first one posting links to these things and screaming online CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?! Somehow, I'll find the strength to just keep going.

But tonight?

I'm very fucking angry.

And I'm very fucking hurt.

And I'm just very, very fucking tired.